Thoughts on "Autoagnosia" from someone with Aspergers Disorder

I don't recognize myself, so I can't imagine that you recognize me, either. Oh, I'm sure you do, but I just can't comprehend how. I marvel at how you pick me out of a crowd. I am amazed that you remember what I like, that you know my birthday, that you still want to be my friend even if we haven't seen each other in a long time. 

My prayers have been: Show me, Holy Spirit, why I feel so invisible. Show me why my feelings tell me such irrational things, like how I don't matter to groups or why my value goes down based on the number of friends my friends have. Show me why I get angry when I compare myself to others, no matter how much I love them. Show me why I feel paralyzed if I fundamentally disagree with anyone I love. Show me why I never feel like myself around anyone!!! 

It is because I don't recognize myself. 

I don't know what my persona looks like to you. I don't know what I look like to me, either. I don't know what you see in me because I can't see it in myself. No matter how hard I try to be the best person I can, I don't know if I ever get there, because I don't comprehend myself. I can only use the feedback of people around me. 

I can see myself in a mirror, and I can describe my face to you. I can tell you my likes and dislikes. I can tell you what I believe in and what I reject. I can report them all truthfully. By myself, I *am* myself, and that never causes any confusion. 

Around others, however, I forget. I see you and think me. I assume that I am supposed to be doing what you are doing, talking the way you talk, liking the things you like. If you exist, then I can only exist by being exactly like you. That seems to be my automatic setting... the faulty switch that kicks me into echolalia. The faulty switch that causes kids with "classic" autism to confuse their pronouns. If everyone is talking about a television show I never watch, I feel obligated to act like I watch it too. I automatically feel like I will be doing something wrong if I stop and say that I don't watch that show. It would feel like dividing by zero. *squint* Am I you, or me? 

The closer I feel toward you, the stronger the confusion. 

The more I like you, the more it would hurt if you forget me... the more I want to make a lot of noise to make sure you remember me. The more possessive I feel. The more I dread other people coming along who could take my place. Not because I think I'm so important... but because I am so scared of being forgotten. 

I am a person with great self-control, so I am good at holding back. And when it comes to relationships, boy, do I hold back. Why? Because I despise all those traits I just described. I would die before I act that way toward anyone. I am a nice person, a true friend, a loving friend who would never consciously be jealous or possessive. So how do I reconcile these feelings? Again, it's like dividing by zero. I love my friends enough not to put them through emotional hoops of reassuring me that I will not be forgotten. If I wait long enough, they usually call me again, or act like they like me. If I have just enough patience, I can see that my worst fears never come true. 

I exist strongly in my mind. I am introspective. I daydream. I imagine things all the time. I imagine solutions, or stories, or visual scenes, or analogies that help explain the mysteries of God. But is this real, or just my imagination? Will speaking about my ideas to other people cause them -- or me -- to dissipate into the air? How do I trust that my thoughts remain? Or that I remain? Do I exist only in my imagination? 

If I put my entire self into what I do, and it is met with disapproval, will I be obliterated? Or, in everyday terms... if someone disagrees with me, does that always mean I am wrong? Does it disprove my self? It does, if I rigidly define myself based only on the feedback of others. 


I depend on social feedback the way people use a mirror to check their physical appearance. If I do something and then get no response, I feel invisible. Or, if I get criticism, I feel like I just put myself at risk for being written off forever. On the other hand, if I have your approval, I know I am still here, and I am safe. 

-- It makes me angry sometimes when I do not match you. But: I don't want to be you! I want to be me! And sometimes, I can't do what you do, because I am NOT you. But... if I break off on my own, how will I know if I am doing it right? I can't sense myself, so I have no internal check point. Sometimes it is easier just to copy you, because then I can see tangibly that I am doing okay.  But that is ripe soil for resentment.

Once I started recognizing these thought patterns, I saw their irrationality and my Aspie logic kicked in. These fears are just fears, not actual outcomes! With the help of my friends, and good spiritual direction, I have been able to notice more often when these irrational fears act up, and I have addressed them plainly with regular logic. All the evidence over my lifetime has shown that friends have never forgotten me before, so I need to trust that they won't forget me this time, either.

For all the excellent work being done with autistic children in helping them blend in, I pray that there is equal work being done to teach them to recognize themselves. This comes well before self-esteem. We can't LIKE who we are before we KNOW who we are. And, like all other things relating to autism, I mean that very literally. 

I often feel unable to express the contents of my mind. I can almost always come close when I write... but rarely when I speak. It feels like there are two distinctly divided modes of my existence: one, which is entirely in my mind, and one which interacts with the world. I think non-autistic people are able to experience their internal and external selves without any conscious effort, whereas my wiring renders my self-concept into compartments. The majority of people in the world experience themselves, fully integrated, unconsciously. My healing and growth depends on how well I can learn to consciously integrate all aspects of my existence... interior and exterior.